Distant Lights Darken Dreams
by mandaree1
Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.
1. Part One

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **Author's Note: Gonna be a three-parter, ya'll. This is just an atmosphere setter.**

 **...**

It's been five years, they say. It feels longer. Much, much longer.

They say other things, of course, while they pretend to be sleeping.

"-Looks so thin..." Pearl, fingers fluttering across the bedspread to smooth the wrinkles.

"...How long...?" Amethyst, arms hanging limply by her side.

"Long enough." Garnet; a gem-studded hand touches both their shoulders. Stevonnie hears them jump. "We'll talk in the morning."

She knows, Stevonnie decides, heart sinking. But Garnet just turns and leads them away.

Once they're alone, they can finally sleep.

Stevonnie's forgotten how to dream.

* * *

Things filter in from behind the door, or maybe they imagine it.

"Must have shapeshifted-"

"Human parts are withered-"

"...gem is the only thing-"

"Do they even remember-?"

"-haven't eaten since they disappeared-"

"Are they even capable anymore?"

"We'll find out."

Stevonnie runs a hand over the edge of the thick scar marring their back- they'd wanted to 'find out' as well, but Stevonnie is stubborn, they are- and tried to fall into a deeper rest. Instinct has other plans for them.

* * *

 _Un-fuse_ , Garnet says, but her voice is so quiet she may as well have mouthed it.

Stevonnie pushes up from the floor, covered in mud. It's storming outside, but they hardly noticed before now. Thin arms are cradling their equally thin shoulders, while more stocky ones are wrapped around their middle. A pale mane drapes itself around them; tears wet their hip. Amethyst is crying.

Long-fingered hands gently take their chin, pulling Stevonnie up to visor level. Garnet, crouched so no one has to move, speaks with the sense of urgency a woman who wants to see her son's face has.

"Stevonnie, you're safe now. It's okay. Un-fuse."

But Stevonnie can only blink at her.

 **Author's Note: Garnet has quite the task set before her, I must admit. More on Stevonnie's scars later.**

 **-Mandaree1**


	2. Part Two

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **...**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- INDEED!**

 **The Keeper of Worlds \- Thanks! I certainly hope so!**

 **Dalekz Universe \- I try. =) I'm not sure exactly where that comes from, but I feel like it fits.**

 **Frostbite (April 7)- Thanks!**

 **...**

"Let's start this off nice and simple." Garnet says, pulling up a chair to be on their level, as she didn't want to look intimidating. "Are you aware that you're a fusion?"

Stevonnie, perched on the edge of their bed, crosses their arms over their belly, cradling the gem there. "Of course. What else could we be?"

"It's a start." The gem hums, nodding to herself. Stevonnie understood how it felt to be slightly separate, even while together- sometimes, they disagreed with themselves so much they feared they'd just pop apart-, and resists the urge to tell her they know her pain. "Do you remember which parts of your personality belong to which?"

"Is that all we are?" Stevonnie returns fiercely. "Two personalities, squished together?"

"No. But certain pieces of us will always stem back to the sum of our parts." Garnet gestures to them both. "Let's make it easier. Is that yours, or a part of yours?"

She nods to their face, to the scar that cuts neatly down the right side of their cheek, down their neck, then disappears under the cloth; Stevonnie knows it to reach their chest, remembers the pain like it was yesterday.

They reach up to touch the tip of it. "We- we got this as us. But... we weren't together."

"Then who were you?"

Stevonnie furrows their brow thoughtfully. "We were... we had long hair, when it happened. We were- we must've been human, right?"

Quick as a flash, Garnet's hands are on their face. Gentle, but they doubted they could pull away. "Connie. Your name was Connie. Steven Universe and Connie Maheswaran." She says, voice pitched with an intimate sort of horror. "Don't _ever_ forget those names. That's when you're really lost. You can't come back from that."

"Steven and Connie." Stevonnie repeats. Something, like a gleam, is in their eyes. A new energy. "We- _I_ was Connie."

"Right." The tall gem stiffly sat back in her seat. "How did it happen?"

"A challenge. They... they didn't..." They make a vague sort of notion with a grunt and wave of the hand. "They wanted one half of us, not both. We- Connie- fought to stay."

"And then you got hurt."

"And then I got hurt." They agree, almost dreamily. The use of 'I' was a sort of pronoun they hadn't used in years. Not in such a way. "They locked us in different cells until it healed. We think they feared I was contagious."

"Good. That's one. I can take a guess on that one." Garnet nodded at the scratch across their belly gravely.

"A guard thought we should die. She didn't understand. In her mind, keeping us alive would only cause her diamond more pain. So she went against orders." Stevonnie held up their left arm, showcasing a thin line that went down to their elbow. "Connie got this protecting Steven."

"The guard?"

"Crushed, we think. We were too scared to ask."

Garnet accepts this with a nod. "The more you remember the individual parts, the more whole they become. Any others?"

It's with a great hesitation that Stevonnie turns their back and lifts their shirt up, letting Garnet lightly touch the thick scar there; it looks a lot like an ink smudge, blotting one corner, all the way to the other, from what they can recall. There's not a whole lot of mirrors on Homeworld. At least, the good kind of mirrors. They swore not to touch those.

"Gem Destabilizer." She guesses, a hint of anger making her fingers press down. Stevonnie winces.

"They didn't like that we were together."

"It doesn't affect you when you're apart." She muses.

"In small doses, yeah. It took them hours to get that." They drop the shirt, turning an eye to Garnet over their shoulder. "They wanted to see if they could make us un-fuse."

"That sounds like Homeworld." She agrees.

"They wanted me to _starve_."

"While I'm all for Homeworld gettin' theirs, I highly doubt that." She muses reluctantly. "They probably didn't realize you needed to eat."

Stevonnie bares their teeth but doesn't reply. "We won't un-fuse like that. You can't make us."

"You know that we're not going to make you. These things take time." Garnet soothes, sounding mildly miffed that they believed otherwise. "You're safe here."

Stevonnie pulls their knees up to their chest. They know, logically, that she's right, but emotion rules their being just as much as logic does. "What's gonna happen with Homeworld?"

"Exactly how it was before. Take out the odd scouting ship; we're not worth a big battle fleet or take down."

"But they thought we were worth enough to kidnap." Their brow furrows.

"Of course. They hoped we'd surrender; less of a fuss. But we knew you wouldn't want that." Garnet pauses heavily. "We wouldn't dishonor you like that."

"Not us." They say. "Not Steven and Connie."

 **Author's Note: Whelp. I lied. It's probably gonna be a four-parter. =) Next chapter might include Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran; I'm not sure yet.**

 **-Mandaree1**


	3. Part Three

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **...**

 **loosecat56 \- Don't we all? =)**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- This is mostly 'bout Stevonnie and Garnet, to be honest. Make up the rest as you will. **

**corybuggy88 \- Thanks!**

 **DeathBright \- Thank you!**

 **FrostbiteForever \- It is here!**

 **The Keeper of Worlds- Don't worry, friend. =) You're far from alone in that.**

 **...**

Stevonnie doesn't have the gall to knock on the Maheswaran's door covered in mud and grit, like they did with the gems. Instead, they enjoy the wonders of their first shower in five years, hands running across their body with a practiced ease. They didn't, for the most part, sweat- much more than Steven, less than Connie. Each time the names are used, they feel a bit more whole- but these things build up over time.

Thankfully, the gems seem to have a limitless supply of hot water, much like how they are able to do laundry on the big hand of the Temple- magic. The snarls in their long hair take almost an hour to properly wash, but never once does the water slacken.

Pearl is waiting for them with a brush and comb, which they gladly allow her to use. Half of them was already useless with such trinkets- Steven? Connie? Short hair, so...Steven.- and the other half hadn't used one in some time. As a whole, Stevonnie had a habit of pulling too hard.

"We've informed them of the situation, and explained a few tidbits they weren't already aware of." Pearl soothes their worries (Connie has a habit of stressing), long fingers gliding through their locks in search of any hidden knots. "They'll be happy to see you."

Stevonnie gave her an unsure smile, eyes gleaming. "Thank you, Pearl."

Pearl's lips quivered. Stevonnie wondered if her boy had shone through them without even knowing. Or maybe an old memory was eating at her. "Of course." She squeezed their shoulder. "I'm happy to do it."

They gave their legs- dirty from the slow walk over- one last washing with a random hose before standing on the doorstep. They couldn't just _enter_ , could they? The door felt familiar and yet not to their eyes; slightly forbidding, but not unwelcome.

They gently reached out to tap it with their knuckles.

Priyanka answered almost immediately, as though she had been waiting near the entrance.

"You must be the fusion." She states. But her eyes are wet.

Stevonnie finds themselves shrugging self-consciously. Just like with Pearl, being around her brought out a more specific side of their personality. "Yes, ma'am."

"I see." She slowly stepped back. "Would you like to come in?"

"Yes, please."

With that, their bare feet met carpet. Doug appeared from the kitchen moments later, eyes bright.

"You're not my daughter." He admitted as they came face-to-face. "But you're a part of her."

"Yes, sir. And Steven." A sentimental sort of pride, entirely Connie, made them lift their chin, tears gathering. "We protect each other."

"I'm glad." He laughed. He looked so much older than Stevonnie's memories of him. "May I?"

"Sir?"

"Are you uncomfortable with touch? Because I'd like to hug you."

"Oh." They slowly shook their head. "That's okay, I guess."

Doug wrapped his arms around them immediately. Priyanka hesitantly joined in, pressing her face into Stevonnie's arm.

They closed their eyes and did their best to hug them back.

* * *

"It's a long process." Priyanka agreed, perched next to them on the couch. Doug had pulled up a chair to the front; making sure they didn't block them in. "I understand that."

"We're doing a lot better now." They promised, examining the palms of their hands. Empty. It was strange to consider fusion with no gemstones on their hands. "We could hardly remember our names when we first returned. It was a big fog."

"Have you tried un-fusing before?" Doug pauses. "Is... that the right way of describing it?"

"Yes, sir. We did at first," They shrugged, "but not for a long time now."

They don't tell them of their last singular memory; of Connie and Steven pulling apart, bleeding. Steven's back was injured towards the top- a faster death, if that had been how things had gone- while Connie willingly took the bottom part of the scar- slow an agonizing; a knight's sacrifice. No. A friend's sacrifice. A friendly knight.

"Please." Steven had begged. He almost looked hollow, hungry as he was, but not nearly as much as her. "Let's stay fused. We promised."

But Connie shook her head, eyes on the door, sword in a death grip. "If I die, I won't take you with me."

"But-"

"Your body heals differently. You're safer than I am." She pulled her knees to her chest, shirt clinging to her back from the blood. "Tomorrow."

"We got homesick." They admitted, brow furrowing. "I wanted to sleep in my bed. But... we're still homesick, only for our _other_ house."

"Sleep here tonight." Priyanka pleaded. The words looked like they were choking her. "And go back tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Connie's face, painted in a brave and beautiful light by Steven, came to mind. Suddenly, it was clear where they had gotten it from.

"Yes. There's always tomorrow, as long as you don't die tonight."

 **Author's Note: Gotta love those Maheswaran's, man.**

 **-Mandaree1**


	4. Part Four

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **...**

 **bbraeluver22 \- Thanks!**

 **The Keeper of Worlds \- That's the point. =)**

 **corybuggy88 \- The update is here!**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- Thank you!**

 **...**

A painful churning in their gut made Stevonnie wince, wrapping their arms around their belly to try and stifle the feeling. It doesn't work. _It's just a fight_ , they told themselves. Somehow, it only made the feeling worse.

A stocky elbow lightly bumped their side, and Amethyst's one visible eye glittered with worry. "Ya'll right?"

"We're fine." They answered, perhaps a bit fiercely. The pride of a warrior immediately picked at them; if nothing's bleeding, you're okay.

Amethyst seems uncertain, but doesn't push. "'Kay."

"If you're not up to it, you don't have to come." Garnet levels a gem-studded hand onto their shoulder. "You might feel more comfortable indoors."

They shook it off. Her words, not the hand. She can keep it there if she likes. "We just feel a bit queasy."

"Didja eat too much?"

"I haven't eaten anything yet."

Pearl glowers at them sternly. "You need your strength."

"I'm not gonna regain my appetite in a day, Pearl. We're gonna feel full easy for awhile yet."

She hums a touche, but doesn't look very reassured.

"Steven hates fighting."

They all turn. Amethyst crosses her arms across her chest, eyes on the ground, embarrassed. "Never mind."

"No," Stevonnie says, "I think you were on to something."

Amethyst internally debates whether her words were worth the oxygen it would take to produce them, finally lifting her head a little. "I was just thinkin'; you're starting to find yourselves again, right? And Steven _hates_ fighting. So, maybe... they're clashing? A bit?"

"We never had this problem before." They hum, pressing into the gem on their belly.

She lifts her arms in a 'what can you do?' sort of way. It's obvious she wasn't a fan of the spotlight being on her in such a way. "Justa thought."

"One personality means no compromises." Garnet says. "It's more than likely Connie overrode the Steven in you during times of fighting. Not anymore. You're more equal these days."

"Oh." Stevonnie lets go of their gem to instead grasp the scabbard of the sword Pearl had given them. "We see."

"This isn't an easy time for you." Garnet gently but firmly wraps her fingers around their wrist. "Be careful. You could do yourselves a whole lotta damage if you go about it the wrong way."

Stevonnie tried to summon the Connie part of them, and found it worked, to some extent. "Yes, ma'am."

Her lips twitched a bit. In amusement, or displeasure; it was impossible to tell. "Maybe you oughta leave the blade by the warp pad."

"We feel safer with it." They insisted. Garnet immediately let go.

"Alright. I won't try to force you."

Stevonnie was grateful it was a simple mission that had brought them to the mountains as they climbed, dodging scattered groups of trees, prompting only the three of them go, almost as a sort of tradition. Peridot was no longer disgusted by fusion, per say, but certain aspects of it still made her _uncomfortable_ , even after giving herself over here and there. Lapis, well... they're fairly sure, in her mind, that this is only a half-step below Malachite.

 _We're not abusive_ , they told themselves firmly. _Just lost_.

Pearl sticks close to their side as they climb, eyes darting to the sword every once in awhile. No one tries to take it, however, and they respect their wish for space.

The gurgling in their gut grows into a hard ball. Stevonnie ignores it as best they can.

"Ugh, gross." Amethyst wipes a glob of black gunk off her cheek as it falls from the leaves, almost hardened with age, face screwed in disgust. "It's always muck monsters."

"You like getting dirty." Pearl states, blinking at her curiously.

"Yeah, but this is, like, pieces of it; just oozin' around."

Stevonnie feels ill. "Thanks for _that_ picture."

"Sorry, dude. Dudes."

A roar in the distance drives them to summon their weapons. Stevonnie's finger shake. They clasp them across their front, like a girl with sheepish intentions, to avoid showcasing their fear to the other gems.

They take one step. Two. Stevonnie tries to drum up the bravery and fighting instinct of Connie, to drown out the compassion and immediate love and respect for the muck monster of Steven, the wish to hold it and protect it and make it _whole_. Separate Steven from Connie. Like they did before, when it was easy, because they were both.

Five more. Ten. This isn't going to work. Steven's presence, once meek in the face of danger, is strong now. There is no point of violence. They'll poof it, if necessary, but who's to say it isn't a _friendly_ muck monster?

Four. _Logic_ says it isn't a friendly muck monster. Damaged gems aren't good nor evil; just desperate, longing. The healing process wouldn't come until it was safely contained in a bubble. They _have_ to do it.

A brown, gelatinous glob makes its appearance known through the slowly thinning trees. Stevonnie did a cooler version of knocking their knees together as they stumble towards it.

"Okay, I'm puttin' my foot down." The deep voice soothed them slightly as Garnet's hands grabbed their shoulders. "Stay."

"But-"

"You're hyperventilating." She stated, and left it at that.

They were, indeed, taking in deep gulps of breath, although they'd only just noticed. Stevonnie drew a hand to their head, finding it damp with sweat.

"We won't get in the way." They whispered, swallowing hard.

"No, you won't. You're gonna sit back here and get a hold of yourselves. I didn't bring you out here to fall apart."

"Uh, Garnet?" Pearl broke in, hesitantly. "Are we going back to the Temple? Because it's getting away."

"You two go after it. I got this."

She went to argue, but Amethyst tugged at her arm before racing after the slowly disappearing slime. "C'mon, P. We ain't of any use like this. Let's kick its butt!"

Garnet's hands never moved, never so much as twitched, as Pearl awkwardly jogged after Amethyst, spear in hand. Stevonnie couldn't detect a heartbeat, which wasn't surprising; even if she _did_ feel like giving herself organs, the gems weren't familiar enough with human anatomy to remember that it could be felt through something as simple as touch.

"Sitting or standing?"

"We don't follow."

"Steven preferred sitting, and Connie always felt more secure in herself by pacing. You?"

Right. Fragmented memories of anxiety floated into their mind eye; a heavy ball at the base of their throat, an illness in the chest, an insistent urge to move or become stagnant, lest one risk sinking completely into it.

"Sitting, for now."

Garnet nodded and led them to a thick tree trunk, propping their back as she sunk down into a crouch before them.

"We're not having a panic attack, though. We're just confused."

"Confusion normally just leads to stress. Unless, of course, it's a life or death situation."

"Not that kind of confusion." Stevonnie pulled their knees close to their chest. "We're starting to remember all these things and have all these thoughts and it's a mess. They just don't sync right anymore. I feel too small for my body."

"Sounds like that earth thing. Puberty."

"We remember puberty. This is much worse than puberty."

Garnet idly tapped her fingers across her knee. It was so uncommonly energetic of her- her, who walked with a smooth glide, and simple movements, and only ever showed anything but nonchalance in her eyes, which flashed, and in her big, booming voice- that Stevonnie was forced to stare.

"I figured you'd try this eventually." Garnet admitted, perhaps reluctantly. "I was gonna let you go through with it, too. But it's obviously too much right now."

"I don't follow."

"Half of you has been keeping secrets from the other half, then. Part of you does."

"Oh." Stevonnie wiped sweat off their mouth. "Right. We know all about that."

"This isn't gonna happen overnight."

"Yes, ma'am."

"It's not easy, coming to terms with that. It could take you years."

Stevonnie didn't answer. They curled their legs underneath and lightly set their fists on them; an apprentice being chastised by their teacher.

"You're not Malachite. That was different. Lapis and Jasper _had_ to split apart, in order to get better. You need to relearn yourselves, then make that choice. Who knows? Maybe you'll prefer to stay this way, forever."

The prickling of their skin told them otherwise. "We _know_ , Garnet."

"Then you should know what I'm getting at." She finished, setting a warm hand on their knee. "Trying to force opposite opinions _won't_ make you un-fuse. It'll only cause you harm."

"But Steven and Connie are so... different!" They blurted, throwing their hands up. "It feels like they can't settle on half the things we used to anymore!"

"It's one thing to ague on what show you wanna watch." Garnet returns, calling their words for the bluff they are. "It's another to try an' force yourself into a violent situation to make Steven break free."

They bowed their head, accepting this without compliment. They knew she was right. The slight disappointment in her voice was a slap to the face.

Garnet's face softened. "I understand. I do. It's taken me years to become this comfortable in myself, and you don't _want_ those years."

"We want everyone to be happy again." They dropped their head to wipe at their eyes. No tears. They had nothing to cry about. "You wanna see Steven and the Maheswaran's wanna see Connie and Pearl wants _both_ and-"

"We'll get both, in due time. Healing is more important. We can be patient. Happy to be, really." The fusion planted a kiss to their forehead; no future vision, just affection. "We love you, you know that?"

"We know."

"Both of you. All of you. You, in and of yourself. We'll all bawl like babies when you're safe, well-fed, and _happy._ Not because you have- or haven't- split apart."

She rapped on their knee lightly with her fist. "Alright?"

Stevonnie slowly nodded. "Alright."

Garnet showed off her strong teeth as she pulled them to their feet, smiling. "Good. Let's go find the others. They've got the muck monster by now."

"You're sure?"

"Yup. They're just trying to be polite. Also, I'm fairly sure Pearl needed some comfort. If only Amethyst was so... forthcoming."

"We love them." Stevonnie responded, voice tinted with emotion.

"That we do." Garnet agrees, lifting her head to check the time of day, only mildly surprised to see no stars glittered above. It was still bright and sunny; they'd probably been gone less than an hour or two.

 **Author's Note: Anxiety sucks. End of story. You don't have to have it to know it, and, after all they've been through, you can't tell me Connie and Steven don't have it.**

 **-Mandaree1**


	5. Part Five

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **...**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- Thanks!**

 **corybuggy88 \- Yup!**

 **Pegasister60 \- I always thought as much!**

 **The Keeper of Worlds \- This is mostly Garnet-centric, sadly. Peridot and Lapis aren't sure how to approach them.**

 **FleksAndru \- Thanks!**

 **...**

Crickets are shrieking. The warmth of heated water blanketed their body and makes it sticky. Stevonnie takes a wary look around them as Garnet leads. It's dark out, and they can't tell if that's a comfort or curse. Neither Steven nor Connie feared the lack of sun, but Stevonnie felt an uncomfortable itch regardless.

"We're alone." She promises. "I checked."

Stevonnie glances up at the open sky, covered with stars. Despite the rising steam, they felt cold, and shuddered accordingly. "That can change."

Garnet confidently struts through the empty fields, until finally they came upon the source of the steam gently floating above the trees; a hot spring. She smiled, as though satisfied to see it still bubbling. Stevonnie wondered how long it had been since she last visited.

"Times have been hard for us, lately." She says. "We need to relax."

Stevonnie bristles at the thought that they might be perceived as weak. "We're fine."

"Maybe you are. I can't possibly know how you feel, after all." Garnet fazed her clothes off without a second glance. Stevonnie averted their eye; not because they were embarrassed or anything, but simply for the fact that, to them, it was like watching a human strip themselves of their skin. Neither part of them had seen a gem vanish a part of her clothing off before, and it threw them mildly for a loop.

They heard a splash. Stevonnie shrugged their shirt and shorts off with a disgruntled frown.

"You just want to make sure we're eating." They accuse, stepping in without delay. They wrapped their arms around their belly, mildly distended now, with a burst of comfort. They liked having fat on their bones once again.

"That's not necessarily a bad thing," She hummed, "but I would've just asked if that were the case. Just thought you would like to get out for a bit. It must be exhausting, having all that attention on you."

Stevonnie sunk down into the water and tested their shoulders, then thighs, checking the muscle definition that was slowly returning to them.

"We're doing better." They said.

"That's good. I'm glad."

They shifted awkwardly under the silence. It wasn't angry or forced, but they felt pressured to fill it regardless. "Garnet?"

"Yup?"

"When we first got back- when _I_ first got back. You talked about losing yourself. Like- like you _knew_."

Garnet's face became more and more blank as they went on. "You're asking if _I've_ ever been lost?"

Stevonnie shrugged, unsure if there was some sort of line to be toed that they'd just kicked into nothingness. "Yes?"

She was quiet a long moment, scanning them. "No. You have to understand, Stevonnie; durin' the war, I was never _allowed_ to forget that. Never once. I was never put into a situation like yours. I'm thankful for it now."

"Oh." They tried not to feel cheated in the fact that the gem who had been helping them had no experience with it herself.

"I've been close, once." She admitted, shoulders tightening with discomfort. Garnet scowled. "When Rose died."

Stevonnie stared at her. They'd never heard that before. "Really?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Those were hard times. I had to keep it together; for Pearl and Amethyst. I did my best to be a good leader, and that required... sacrifices."

Garnet bowed her head. Not in shame, but in thought. Stevonnie hardly dared to breathe, lest they break into her moment and she decided against continuing.

"I made the conscious decision to block out certain parts of myself. Fusion-related things. It was the best way to keep myself from falling apart- not that un-fusing would've been bad, but they didn't _need_ Ruby and Sapphire. So I didn't _lose_ myself, per say, so much as I forgot who I was. It was you who brought me back." She shot them a look. "Not all at once, but _over time_."

The bite to those words sunk in. Stevonnie blinked at her. "You don't think we'll be able to stay un-fused, do you?"

"Not for long, no." She slowly shook her head. They wondered how long she'd suspected this. "It's a process."

Panic sunk low into their belly, and they did their best to ignore it. Someday, they would be free; but not the first time, and not for long. Still, they can't stop themselves.

"Can we try?"

Garnet studied them curiously. It occurred them she may have brought them here for exactly that purpose, should that be where they ended up. "Do you think you're ready?"

Stevonnie nodded, already pulling themselves out of the water. It didn't matter anymore if the gem saw their scars and stretch marks. "They won't stop rattling around in my head. Let's do it."

 **Author's Note: ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER YA'LL**

 **-Mandaree1**


	6. Part Six

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **Chapter Title: Part Five**

 **...**

 **flying ducks298 \- Thanks!**

 **FleksAndru \- The end, indeed.**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- All good things must come to an end eventually. =)**

 **The Keeper of Worlds \- Let us hope.**

 **...**

Stevonnie had been forced to learn patience, in order to find the place and time to escape their cell and search out the warp pads. It'd taken patience to discover exactly the way back to Earth and to smash that hidden pad behind them, as it had been created during one of their more busy missions whilst the more burly gems had been fought off. Basically, they didn't know exactly who, if anybody, on Earth knew it had existed, and they were probably to use it to stage an ambush. It'd taken that patience _and_ resilience to find their way back to the temple after a seemingly endless walk.

They'd been patient all throughout Pearl's fussing and Amethyst's unsure shoulder to lean on and Garnet being helpful yet never giving them a direction to reach towards.

Five years, they'd been patient.

They were sick of being patient.

They glanced at Garnet, hands jammed into their armpits to avoid having them shake. The woman's face utterly blank, shoulders loose and hands uncurled. She offered no answers; but she offered no problems, either.

The grass was ankle-length and wet with dew, or maybe with condensation. The heat from the springs blanketed their backs, but their front felt cooler. Not chilly, just a little lighter.

There was no real answers to this. Stevonnie did what felt right and broke into a sprint.

The ground was harsh under their feet, with no give to it. They remembered their muddy and battered legs the night of the storm that ended their walk home from the Galaxy Warp (which had taken a month or two, at best, but there was no accurate time table for all of that) and felt their stomach twist in a knot.

De-fusion, to Stevonnie, had always been sudden and violent, filled with surreal imagery and the taste of dissatisfaction in their mouths from the abruptness. But there's no imagery, no panic, just a bubbling heat under their skin, tears pinpricking their eyes with a longing for freedom. They attempt a cartwheel, falter halfway through, and fall flat on their face.

Stevonnie prayed Garnet hadn't seen that.

They let out a long breath of air, propping themselves on their elbows and knees. It felt like their back was being branded by the stares of the stars.

 _This is it_ , they thought. _We can't do it._

Stevonnie lifted their head to glance up at the sky. They felt their chest flutter as their eyes fell on Homeworld's galaxy.

Homeworld.

Perhaps it was unhealthy, using their rage to force themselves to their feet, to fuel their determination. Perhaps it was their just right, to use the place that hurt them so badly to work as the cause of their destruction, to bring an end to this madness.

Perhaps it was time to start letting that go. That anger.

Stevonnie's memories- Connie and Steven's memories- would always persist, but Homeworld had no control over them anymore.

Connie fought.

Steven defended.

Stevonnie escaped.

It was time to rest.

Two bodies fell to the grass and rolled. Connie, face marred and jacket zipped up, immediately shifted onto her rear in a defensive maneuver, while Steven lifted his face from the dirt with a bewildered frown. They didn't look a day older than when they were taken.

Their eyes met.

Steven blubbered openly, whereas Connie keeps flicking a hand up to wipe her eyes, blinking against the sting. There was no words as they hugged, pressing their wet faces together- just breathless laughter and little noises of happiness.

The boy reluctantly pulled himself away to sprint across the tall grass, Connie's hand tightly in his own. They were both laughing.

"There he is." Garnet calls gently, sinking down to embrace him. Her shades have vanished, replaced by three soft eyes bright with unshed tears. "Get in here, both of you. I think we all deserve a full hug."

Steven seems mystified by her words, then guilty, at their interlocked fingers. He shares a look with the girl, but makes no effort to pull them apart. He didn't seem able to.

"S'okay, you two. I understand." Garnet sets a hand on each of their shoulders. "I'm just happy to see you two, no matter how short this is."

She pressed a gentle kiss to both of their foreheads. Steven blinked and seemed to almost drag herself out of a daze.

"We just got here" He said. "Do we have to go already?"

"Not if you're up to staying." She shook her head reflexively. "But it's best not to push it too much. This isn't gonna be okay after one un-fusing."

Connie reached out to touch his shoulder, hesitating to show it wasn't just for the sake of fusing before following through.

"As long as we know we can un-fuse again, I don't think I'll mind very much." She inputted.

"Yeah." Steven sighed. "Me too."

There was nothing bitter about their eventual dance; it was like coming home.

There was something irritating about the fact they hadn't even managed to stay apart long enough for dawn to peek over the horizon. Still, the fact they'd managed in the first place made Stevonnie giggle and twirl in a dance of their own.

There's a sad but fulfilled tinge to Garnet's voice. "Next time, we won't be doin' this in the middle of nowhere. Ready?"

"I'm sorry." They said earnestly. "I feel like I'm taking them away from you."

Garnet shook her head firmly and pulled them into a hug "You're not taking _anything_ away from us. You're healing, and that's more than okay."

 **Author's Note: And so, we've reached the end of our journey! Stevonnie isn't magically going to heal overnight, but it's a start.**

 **-Mandaree1**


	7. Bonus

**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Distant Lights Darken Dreams**

 **Summary: In order to survive life as a prisoner in Homeworld, Steven and Connie are forced to fuse, tying their lives to Stevonnie's gem rather than their own need for food and water. Escaping is easy enough, seeing how, as a political prisoner, they were mostly left to themselves. But they've forgotten how to un-fuse. They've lost themselves.**

 **Chapter Title: Bonus**

 **Chapter Summary: Stevonnie's hit a slow patch in recovery.**

 **...**

 **Krazyfanfiction1 \- Thanks!**

 **The Keeper of Worlds \- Thank you. =)**

 **FleksAndru \- I'm glad you see it as much.**

 **Guest (July 24)- No sequel at the moment, but here's an extra chapter for the heck of it.**

 **DragShot \- Go momma Garnet!**

 **Alex (July 29)- Thanks =)**

 **Guest (August 17)- 'Twas the point of the 'fic! That, and fiddling with fusions, but hey.**

 **...**

The air surrounding the barn is crisp and warm, blanketing their skin pleasantly. The scent of churned dirt and vegetables tingled on their tongue, and a cob of corn was starting to sound really good, even if they didn't need to eat quite as often as Steven did. The fields, lit up by the milky yellow of the setting sun, were vibrant and colorful to the eye. Pumpkin barked somewhere in the distance.

Steven had always known exactly what made this place special to Lapis and Peridot, Stevonnie thought fondly. It was like Greg's van, only for aliens. Not just a home, but a peaceful one. Even the hay they sat against felt significantly less prickly than normal hay, and the log the gem called her own assuredly was a pillow in comparison to a regular tree.

They wove their fingers together across their belly, twiddling the thumbs. Stevonnie watched them move, lips tightly shut. Quaint it may be, but they still felt anxious. Perhaps that was from Lapis herself, calmly laying beside them with a hand behind her head and the other casually draped across her midriff. Peridot was operating the tractor, and the yips of Pumpkin told them the creature was excitedly following.

Lapis is perfectly indifferent to them. Of course, her interest had been piqued when they started splitting at odd intervals, and had made no attempts to hide that, shrugging sheepishly when asked, but they all knew she wasn't waiting for Stevonnie to return. No one was. That had not faltered when Stevonnie's progress did.

That's not to say Lapis didn't like Stevonnie. She was fine with them, had been from the very beginning. She simply didn't like what they had become on Homeworld; what their use had been. Given her experiences, that was understandable.

Stevonnie knew she wished Steven was by her side again. They wanted that too. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way.

"Do you miss Homeworld at all?" They asked suddenly, uncertain as to why. "Old Homeworld, I mean."

Lapis slowly cracked open an eye. "Yes. But it's not my home anymore. Why the question?"

Stevonnie shrugged self-consciously.

Lapis frowned. A blue foot lightly nudged their knee. "What's up?"

"We're sorry."

"For?"

"We're not Steven."

"No, but you're part of him, and that's enough for me." The woman smiles thinly. Not for the first time they're so thankful that Lapis has found a place where she can feel happy and free, as was any gem's right.

"It feels like I'm moving too slow." They admit, wrapping their hands around their knees. Perhaps this conversation was best saved for Garnet, but they didn't want to have to work to find time alone with a fusion. "But everything's too fast at the same time."

"It's like Steven says; nothing is still on earth." She chips in. "As much as I miss Steven, I'd rather we have him back healthy then to mess him up more by forcing it."

"Everybody says that."

"Then we all agree. Nothing wrong with that."

"The thing is; I think they _want_ to come back. I think they want to be free." They mumbled. Yeah, this was definitely something best saved for Garnet, but they needed to know now. "It's almost like I'm holding them back."

Lapis doesn't look relaxed anymore. Her eyes are alert and curious as she pulls herself up onto the log. Her face is blank, which is somehow worse than if she were spitting hatred and calling on her water powers. "You think?"

Stevonnie steeled their courage and nodded, staring at the homey yard. "I think I'm afraid of giving up control. Of not being me when there's trouble. I dunno if that's a Steven and Connie thing, or a me thing. I just know it's not conducive to becoming a separate entity again."

"Both, I'd say." Lapis replies. "You're all pretty protective of each other."

"You don't think that's a bad thing?"

Her eyes narrow. "Why would I?"

They hesitated, then shrugged.

"You better not be making a parallel between you and Malachite." A growl hitches in her tone. "Those situations were _completely_ different."

"But I'm trapping them."

"You're a _defense mechanism_ , and it's hard to let go of that once you've latched on, _especially_ in an uncertain environment. You're no more of a trap than Garnet is unhealthy." She folds her arms across her chest with a shrug. "We aren't good pals by any means, but even I can tell she's stable. Just clingy."

Maybe. But there's such a sense of _urgency._ Every night the dreams they wander into- be it the gems or Greg or close friends- all want a face that isn't their's. And both sides of their basic means of life are pleasers. They want to see smiles and happiness go their friend's way. "It's hard to be okay with waiting when nobody wants me to wait. I feel wrong."

A slight weight presses into their side. Lapis nestles into them without complaint, body fluid and relaxed. "We'll wait as long as it takes. You aren't wrong. You're protective- Malachite was possessive. There's a difference; you taught me that."

Stevonnie bites their lip to avoid letting it tremble. "We'll try."

They watch the sunset together.

 **Author's Note: I felt the need to make a bonus chapter. There really should've been interaction between Lapis and Stevonnie in the body of the 'fic, but I made this'un instead.**

 **Goodbye for now, everybody!**

 **-Mandaree1**


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